Eating Disorder Part 2- Choices!
That summer started out as a doozie. I fought and fought with myself over whether or not I should try out for the cheerleading squad. All my friends were but I was not feeling so confident. And my fear of failure was staking it’s claim in my head. This is one of the first times I can remember fighting with Ed in my head. Ed saying I would never make it and my voice saying I should try. The day of tryouts I made up my mind I would do it. I sat on the sidelines under a tree nauseous of what I was about to do. Fearful of what others would say about me. If my face doesn’t describe what I was feeling in this picture, I am not sure what else would.
I went out there and tried to give it my all and honestly it was all I had in me at the time. This is also the first time that I remember thinking ED was right. He was telling me the truth about who I was and what I was capable of. I didn’t make the squad and all of my friends did. I was just not enough. Ed had already taught me my first truths. First, I would never be pretty and second I would never be enough. The summer dragged on and the battle in my head was in full force.
“Roses are red, violets are black, Kallie’s front is as flat as her back” is what I heard as I got on the bus.
Not the best way to start out the new school year.
I hurried and found my seat with my head hung in embarrassment, dreading what the next few hours of school were going to be like. Hoping that my locker was far, far away from hers and that in the sea of older kids I would get lost in the crowd. Hoping my name would be forgotten. I survived my first day of middle school and I survived a lot more days after that but I ONLY survived them. I went through the motions but I was a shell of who I used to be. I wasn’t living. Living is not done in the presence of fear and that is what I did. Lived in fear. One breath at a time. One foot in front of the other. My life was a blur and it had to be that way to survive the ugliness I felt building in my heart.
Not long into the school year I made a new friend. She saved me from myself. She made me feel confident. She understood me. She encouraged me and more importantly she believed in me. She brought me back to life and helped me get back on my feet. As I type this out tears are rolling down my face because I realize she probably doesn’t even know all that her friendship did for me back then. She is still, to this day, my very best friend and I thank the man up stairs that he loved me enough to put her in my life. She helped me live a happier life for a time but the scars I had ran deep and would come back to haunt me later in life.
For the time being I buried it as deep as I could and tried to move on. I was still super destructive in my thoughts about myself, my body, and the way I looked. I became a perfectionist. If I couldn’t do it perfect then I didn’t want to do it at all. I struggled staying focused in class because my mind was constantly full of negativity. My grades started slipping and I became frustrated and angry. Frustrated at school. Frustrated and angry at myself. Frustrated and misunderstood when it came to my parents. And ticked off at what I now know as ED. Instead of dealing with what I felt I held it in. I tried to put a band-aid on a gaping wound and I let it infect me. I let it fester and build inside of me. I let Ed’s voice become loud, so loud I couldn’t hear my voice anymore.
I didn’t just lose myself over night. This was years and years in the making. Had I known what I know now I could have saved myself a lot of heartache. I could have let my wounds heal in a healthy way. Yes, it started out with someone saying some really mean things to me but I didn’t have to let it destroy me. I didn’t have to let her words become the definition of who I was.
Her words were lies.
Her words were lies and so were Ed’s! It just took me 18 years to figure it out. 18 long years and one really sad choice to let it.
If you want to read the full story here are the links to Parts 1-8:
Eating Disorders and the Mr- A short conversation with my hubby on me and ed.
Kallie is the Creator and Editor of Smitten By.
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