Part #1 of my Eating Disorder Journey
I was 12 when life as I knew it changed and little part of me died.
At the time I don’t think it was physically possible to realize how much what had happened would affect me, my life, my journey and ultimately my happiness. I mean how can you know those things? How can you know that something that happened to you as a child would also take you on a journey that would affect you as an adult? How can you unload all the “baggage” you are carrying around if you never realized it was there? When you never realized how heavy it all was. You just thought that is how it was supposed to be. Life was supposed to be hard. Even when you were 12.
I remember that summer like it was yesterday. It was the summer before I started middle school. It was the summer that would start the downward spiral in the way I saw myself, the way I would determine my value and worth for 18 years of my life. What happened when I was 12 would rule my life for years to come in the form of an eating disorder.
The other day someone made a comment to me about how good it was to see me really smile. That the memories they had of me in my younger days, my smiles were few and far between. As I played our conversation over and over in my mind, I decided that I had to see for myself if this observation was true. I pulled out my box full of pictures and started laying them out in chronological order. Smiling at some of my favorite memories as a kid. I smiled at the baby pictures, the toddler pictures, the crazy 80′s bangs and hair do’s of my early childhood. Even though I physically changed over time my eyes always twinkled when I smiled. I was happy and you could tell that happiness came from within.
As the picture parade went on I came to the part of my life where the pictures were few and far between. The part of my life where I began the journey to losing myself. This is one of the times in my life where the light went out of my eyes and all those feelings have remained etched heavy on my heart. In these few pictures my eyes look sad, dark, angry and if you look even deeper they are eyes of someone who was battling herself and felt all alone. In honesty when they say a picture is worth a 1000 words…they are.
I just had to look at those pictures and all that I felt 18 years ago came back in a raging storm of emotions. Even some emotions that I thought were long gone surfaced in the waves of my life story.
I am sure that the girl who said the things she did to me and made me feel the way she did had no idea the impact it would have on me through out my life. I bet she has never thought about me and her hurtful words she unleashed on me from way back then. I would even dare say she wouldn’t even remember. I wish that story was mine. I envy that she could so easily forget her words that cut me so deep and left scars that I never let heal right. I took her hurtful words and accepted them as my truth. Her words became who I was. I was ugly physically and that was who I became. I am pretty sure looking back I was the typical awkward 12 year old and yet I felt like I was the Hunch Back of Notre Dame. I was hideous and there was nothing I could do to change that.
That summer I spent hours outside so that if she called I wouldn’t have to answer the phone. I laid out thinking maybe a tan would help my cause but more importantly because my thoughts were eating me alive and I didn’t want anyone to see me cry. I begged my mom to let me go to a different school. I told her I would even ride my bike each day the ten miles. Just make it so I didn’t have to go to school with her I wailed. As the new school year approached the sicker I became. The more obsessed I became with my looks and my body. I don’t remember physically not eating until I was a little bit older but I do remember obsessing about my body. I remember staring in the mirror and wishing my face was skinnier, that my thighs didn’t touch, that my nose was more thin and not so big. I would study myself in the mirror and wish my freckles weren’t scattered about my face or how ugly I thought the way my nose wrinkled when I laughed was. I especially hated my smile, so I just stopped. I remember this was when I started thinking I will never be pretty but I can always be thin.
This is the part of my life where the light in my eyes faded out and a sad, lonely, misunderstood girl emerged in the mirror.
This is the beginning of a long journey. One I have found the courage to finally share.
This is the beginning of my complex relationship with E.D.
If you want to read the full story here are the links to Parts 1-8:
Eating Disorders and the Mr- A short conversation with my hubby on me and ed.
Kallie is the Creator and Editor of Smitten By.
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[...] Part 1 [...]