Eating Disorder- Destructive Behaviors

Eating Disorder- Part 3

eating disorder Part3

This is the part of the story where I engage in destructive behaviors and let ED into my head full force. As with the rest of the story up to this point I didn’t know about ED and the eating disorder world. (all that came to me when I started therapy) I just thought it was life and that is how you dealt with it. I thought that whenever anyone went through something hard they had an internal battle in their heads. I believed that everyone was as hard on themselves as I was. I thought everyone had the same fears as me. I thought I was just like everyone else but I was wrong.

Destructive Behavior number #1- Comparing

I made the drill team my first year of High School. I spent that summer dancing my life away. I went to drill in the wee hours of the morning and as soon as I was done I would drive to the dance studio to dance out the rest of the day. I became obsessed with dance and dancer bodies. I would watch myself in the mirror and pick myself apart. I would then watch others and wonder why I didn’t look like that. Back then I thought it was pushing myself to be better. I would only get better if I saw what better looked like. My perfectionism kicked in and I started comparing myself to others. It was a quick road to self loathing and hatred. No matter how hard I tried it was never good enough for me. There was always someone or something that was better. In the beginning I would make myself physically sick thinking and worrying about my body and they way I looked. I would get so wrapped up in it I would no longer have an appetite. In the beginning it was innocent but when people started to notice it became intentional. I had heard all my friends talk about diets but I knew my mom would never go for that idea so this is where I started restricting my diet. I would allow myself one Nutragrain bar in the morning at drill, I would supplement food with water or drinks of some kind to fend off my hunger until dinner time when I would allow myself to eat a restricted dinner with my family. With all the time I was dancing and the little food I was consuming I began to loose weight and I LOVED the way I was starting to look.

I realize now that I was the one holding me back from being a better dancer. I was the one who had put up all the boundaries of what I could and couldn’t do. I was enemy number 1 and I didn’t even know it.

Destructive Behavior #2- My body = My Worth

As time went on I began to hear through friends and what not that the boys all thought I had a nice body. This was just more fuel to my fire. My body was my golden ticket. If I could make my body look amazing I would become somebody instead of a nobody. My body was my key to happiness. I just needed to get it to the amazing stage. My body = Boys liking me which in turn made me feel pretty, worthy, and of value…thank you ED for your not so wise words of wisdom. They destroyed me. When I look back at my crazy way of thinking I am so sad for the girl I was. Why in our society do we think what we physically look like is who we are? Who we are is our talents, our hearts, our strengths, our passions and desires. That is who we are. Instead we spend too much time focusing on the things we aren’t. The things that we are not good at. This is my biggest down fall with ED. This is where he wins the battle almost every time. One of his favorite cards to play when we are battling is- Kallie, you will never be good enough. You can’t do it perfect so why try? For a long time I believed him and sometimes I still do.

Reality Check-

One night I came home from dance late at night and I was getting ready for bed. My mom came in to say hi and she instantly got all over my case about the way my body looked. She wasn’t happy with my weight loss and she let me know. After she left I cried because I was angry at her for belittling my success. I was angry that she couldn’t be happy for me. After that night I started really looking at myself in the mirror and the more I looked the less I liked the girl I saw staring back at me. My reality was this – What I thought would make me happy didn’t. I realized I have a tendency to become obsessive about things and I needed to make some changes.

Destructive Behavior #3- Running Away

Most people at this point might seek help. Not me. I do what I am good at and run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. My answer to change was I just quit dancing all together. My fear of failure was telling me if I wanted to change I couldn’t dance and be healthy. Instead of facing it, owning it, I admitted defeat and ran away. Thinking if I ran fast enough who I had become would be left in the dust. The saddest part of this story is what I thought would save me ended up being the death of me for a long time. I had let ED win and he knew it. For the next 4 years he weaseled his thoughts into my head. He took over who I was and I listened. I let him. I let ED become who I was.

I was an Eating Disorder.

If you want to read the full story here are the links to Parts 1-8:

Eating Disorders and the Mr- A short conversation with my hubby on me and ed.