Eating Disorder Part 4- Lost in Someone else’s body

I have never been one to have a lot of friends- especially of the girl variety. I was never comfortable around a big group of girls so I had my few gems and I called it good. It worked for me. It was comfortable. So, I am not sure what I was thinking when I decided to go to Cosmetology School after I graduated High School. I guess maybe it was I could makeover myself. Instead I was just an older version of my awkward 12 year old self in that environment or at least I felt that way. I had never colored my hair. I didn’t wear very much makeup and I defiantly didn’t look like a barbie. There were so many pretty girls there. Naturally pretty girls, made up pretty girls, the girls who were pretty because they were just who they were and felt good in their own skin. I didn’t fit into any of those categories. I wanted to and believe me I sure tried. I have pictures of me with crazy makeup on. An outfit that I normally wouldn’t wear but so and so said it would look cute on me. I dyed my hair with crazy colored streaks. I cut my hair all off in a pixie (which wasn’t my best choice ever. Some people can pull it off…I am not one of those people) I was still a lost little puppy trying to find her place in the world. A place where she fit in. A place that I felt comfortable but I never found it. The only difference now was I thought I was fat.

At this point in my life I wasn’t restricting my eating anymore but I would say I was over eating. In fact when I look at pictures from this time in my life I look over weight. I don’t have a lot of pictures from that time because one day I threw them all away. I couldn’t look at my chubby face One. More. Time. I thought that would solve my problem. I was just so tired. Tired of carrying it all around and tired of never being enough. It was too much work to count calories and it was too sad to see the number on the scale.

There were pretty girls everywhere at school. Because there were pretty girls and we were in the heart of a college campus there were boys. Lot’s of boys. They flocked to the hair school to get a cheap haircut and checkout the eye candy as you would hear them say. I hated this part. I hated the disappointment in their eyes when it was me who came to get them. I hated that I felt like a piece of meat. I hated that I never felt pretty. EVER. I hated watching my few friends at school go on date after date after date. I had never been asked by a stranger to go on a date. I thought something was wrong with me and now I know there was…his name was ED. I had heard so much from him the last few years that I was full of anger and hate. I wasn’t beautiful because you can’t be when all that shines in your eyes is sadness and you carry around an aura that was negative. Honestly, who would want to be around me? I didn’t even want to be around me.

The thing is, this was one of the saddest times in my life but I also remember some really, really good times mixed in there. Times where I was happy and full of life. Thinking about it now I don’t know what was the real me. Was I really happy or was I really sad? I think I was just really lost. Really, Really, Really lost.

When I graduated hair school I went to visit my BFF in Hawaii where she was going to school I needed to get away and be around someone who reminded me who I really was. I cried almost the whole flight home because I was going home to my sad reality. I honestly felt like 2 different people. The one Lindsay saw and the one everyone else saw. I didn’t know how to be the same person with others. I like to call myself socially awkward. I shut down. I become quiet or I unleash some of my anger that was built inside. Lindsay would always tell me “she would make the friends and I would ruin it” She was right. If someone was rude to her or someone else I let them know about it. It’s weird because I had a voice but it wasn’t “my voice” if that makes sense. I was not me. I don’t know where I went.