Eating Disorder- Part 5

Eating Disorder Part 5- The Beginning of the End

{I’m going to skip a few years ahead to save you all the rambling and repetitiveness of my thoughts during that time. This is where my story gets really complicated and there are somethings that I cannot share with you out of respect for those I love most but I will try and give you as many details as I can so the story is not lacking}

Not long after I graduated Hair School I started dating a boy. We had a really good relationship. It was easy for us to communicate, we had fun when we were together but I always felt like I was never enough for him. Almost like we only had a relationship behind closed doors. He was happy to be with me when no one else was around but he wasn’t totally comfortable with me in front of other people. We spent a lot of time together and one night when we were talking he told me he didn’t want to pray about our relationship because he was scared of his answer. Maybe some people would feel flattered by that but I was so hurt and it just confirmed to me that I wasn’t enough. If I was enough he wouldn’t be scared to get an answer about the future of our relationship. So, in true Kallie form I packed my bags and ran away to college. Knowing that this would either make or break our relationship. I think I knew long before I left what the outcome would be.

I think running away was my way of protecting my already fragile heart.

About 2 months into the semester I met my husband. The first time I met him I was at his apartment with some of his roommates, he walked into the family room picked me up in a huge hug, set me back down and walked out. (funny thing is, I was so bugged when he did that at the time. I had no idea that he was the man who would pick up the pieces of my broken spirit and help me put the puzzle back together. That his hugs would be what held me together when I was at my lowest point and his hand would be the one I held onto while I tried to find my way back.) A few days later he showed up at my apartment and wanted to take me to dinner. From there we dated for almost 2 years before we got married. For the longest time he wasn’t sure if I was the one. I had just gotten out of another relationship for those same reasons so I am sure you can imagine how I was feeling. I was on an emotional roller coaster ride that I couldn’t get off of. I quickly became obsessed with running. It was my escape from the roller coaster ride called my life. Whenever I was sad, or frustrated, I would run. Sometimes it was a few runs a day but each day I ran physically as well as emotionally away from my life. I moved home for the summer and I lost 20 lbs my first month home. I chalked it up to losing the freshman 15 I had put on but if we are being honest that was not why. I was back to my old tricks in a way but now it wasn’t just about being thin it was about control. When my life was out of my control there was always something I could control and we here at Smitten now know him as ED. When I couldn’t control something I could control what I ate. Eating disorders are not about the food, it is a coping mechanism for something much deeper.

I know now that my husband was just scared to get married and have the responsibility that came with it but at the time I once again just felt like something was wrong with me. That somehow I would just never be enough for anyone. All my friends were married and I was scared I would never have anything in common with them again. They were starting their families and I was just waiting for a boy to decide I was the one. Then one day it was like he flipped a switch and he was 100% sure about us and he never looked back. Even when I was destroying myself and us he was there to help me pick up the pieces.

I won’t sit here and say that marriage fixed me and I was magically healed of all the craziness in my head. It didn’t. Somethings became easier and somethings became more complex with the new faucets of my life. My hurt was still there. My insecurities would still rear their ugly head from time to time. I still fought like crazy with feeling like I was enough for him. I still felt ugly and uncomfortable with my body which affected our relationship physically. I got rid of some issues and picked a few new ones up a long the way. I suddenly had another pressure, another expectation put on me. I felt like there was a mold in his family that I was supposed to figure out how to fit into. He has 4 sisters and they are all really educated and work as pharmacists, a nurse practitioner, dietitian and… I was a hairdresser. I painted peoples hair with color which seemed so superficial compared to them. I felt like I was letting him down by not trying to become something great like his sisters. I have learned through the years that I do things out of guilt. I say yes, when I want to say no, because of guilt. I get roped into doing things that are out of my comfort zone because I feel guilty even saying the 2 letter word. So when his parents wanted me to go to school and he wanted me to go to school I went to school. I went one more semester and chose to be done. I felt like I was wasting everyone’s time and money because I had no idea what I wanted to go to school for and my heart wasn’t in it. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t do it perfect so I didn’t want to do it at all. I remember telling his mom that I wasn’t going back to school and the consuming guilt I felt for letting everyone down. I felt like I had failed again. Just another tally on my score card of why I would never be enough.

When I was done with school I worked full time at the salon. This was another blessing sent from the man upstairs. I had the best boss EVER. She taught me everything I know about hair and a few priceless things about life. She set such a great example to me of what a kind and genuine person looks like. She taught me to look for the good in everyone. In the other salons I worked in there was a lot of gossip but Miss Sally never tolerated that. She taught me what love looks like and she loved me even though I was me. During this time we both went through some really hard things and some really great things. She lost her husband and I had started on the road to losing myself completely again. There was someone in my life who was toxic to me but it was a relationship that I couldn’t get out of. Not that they were a bad person but with my personality and insecurities my small voice just shut down next to their loud, very vocal one. Whenever I was around this person it was like I went right back to being that awkward, ugly, stupid 12 year old girl again. In the beginning I could battle Ed but as time went on I started believing Ed and all his lies and anything left of the real “me” was lost to him and his power over my mind. Sally reminded me everyday of who I really was and kept me standing on my own two feet. During this time we also shared being pregnant at the same time. She welcomed her last baby and I welcomed my first baby into my world. Oh how I loved that little bundle of joy. Oh how I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to be a good mom. Unfortunately, my life got thrown upside down and it threw me into a nose dive. A week before I was due my husband decided to go back to school and finish his degree. So, a week after I had my baby I packed up my life, my new baby and headed away to a new town without a place to live. Having a new baby was an adjustment in its self, then add on not knowing a soul in a new place. It was kind of ironic that I left my friends, my family and also the last part of “me” in that little town that I loved and hated all at the same time.

The more time that went on the more destructive my thoughts became. The more destructive my thoughts became the more I restricted my diet. The more I restricted my diet the more in control I felt. You can always make your own choices but you cannot hide from the consequences of those choices. My consequences were catching up with me, my hair started falling out, I had headaches all the time, I had no energy. Most of my clothes didn’t fit anymore. I wasn’t just physically sick, I was emotionally the sickest I had been but I still believed I was fine and nothing was wrong with me. I didn’t look anorexic when I looked in the mirror so I still must be okay.

Then my sad, controlled world as I knew it came to a screeching halt. I found out I was pregnant with baby number 2 and my sadness was replaced with joy. So much joy for the little person inside me. Not knowing at the time that baby would save my life and remind me of the things that matter most in this life. Remind me that there was a plan.