Eating Disorder- Yes, this is Kallie

Eating Disorder- Part 6

“Kallie ” the nurse called into the waiting room.

I picked up my purse and the car seat with my new little love and headed back to the exam room. On our way there the nurse asked me to step on the scale. I was sweatin’ bullets. I didn’t want to see the number on that stupid scale but I didn’t want to make a scene either. So, I set the baby car seat and my purse down and stepped on the scale. It was like slow motion as the numbers kept changing, going up and down and up again, before it finally settled on a number. The lucky number that could make or break me. I sighed a huge sigh of relief when I saw that I weighed less at my 6 week check then I did before I got pregnant. Ed smiled his biggest smile and yelled “success” as loud as he could inside my head. I then smiled because I knew not many people could say that after just having a baby. I was in control. I was the winner. I could never be pretty but I sure as hell could be skinny.

When the Doctor came in, he asked how things were going. I proudly gushed about my little man and how much I loved having a baby back in my home. He then started scanning over my file and I could see it…the surprise when he saw my weight on the chart. He looked at me and said “you look great, but are you sure your okay?” Was I okay? Of course I was okay. I quickly told him I was fine and that I felt great. He smiled and said “will you let me know if it’s not?” ” Sure thing Doctor G” I said as I shook his hand on my way out the door.

I got to my car and was getting the little Mr. all settled in, when I looked down at his sweet, innocent little face sleeping my eyes suddenly filled with tears. Tears that wouldn’t stop as I sat in the parking lot. “I thought I was supposed to feel better once I knew all was well with my weight” I cried out in my head. Screaming at ED for an answer. ED was silent and as I looked at my baby I was heartbroken. Heartbroken that I was his mama. He deserved so much better and I knew it.

That was the first little seed that was planted in my broken heart telling me I needed to change.

Christmas time rolled around and my hair started falling out again. I dreaded the shower, having to watch all my hair go down the drain. It would make me physically sick to see the handfuls of hair that would be stuck between my fingers when I would wash it. Getting out of the shower and walking past the mirror was just as bad. I despised the girl I saw looking back in the mirror at me. Her sad eyes, her thinning hair, her skinny body were all just a reminder of the poor excuse of a mom I was and the example I was setting for my kids. I was at this time still convinced I didn’t have an eating disorder…just some serious body image issues that haunted me.

Not long after the holidays I was talking with my sister in law Michelle, who works at The Center for Change, a treatment facility for eating disorders. I was asking her if they offered any classes on body image without being a patient there. I think she was a little shocked that I asked because it was the first time I acknowledged that I had some issues. There was a lot more to this conversation but to be honest so much of my life back then was a complete blur and I cannot remember all the details other then some where in all that was said, I said I would meet with a therapist. A couple of weeks later I was talking with my mom and sister, telling them about the conversation I had with Michelle and that she wanted me to make an appointment at the Center. My mom said she thought that would be a good idea. She proceeded to tell me that family members had started asking her about my weight and if I was okay. I wanted to know who was asking and my mom and sister wouldn’t tell me. I got really angry and started to cry. Yelling at them that I didn’t have an eating disorder, that I was fine. That everyone just needed to worry about themselves and stop talking about me behind my back. I’m pretty sure my mom and sister were in total shock at my reaction and feeling completely helpless on how they could help.

A few months later I still hadn’t made the call. I couldn’t. What was I supposed to say? “Hi, my name is Kallie and I don’t think I have an eating disorder but everyone else thinks I do so I need to make an appointment.” Who says that? I wasn’t going to say it so I didn’t. Plus, I didn’t have an eating disorder. One day in passing Michelle told me I should check out the Center for Change website to get some more info on body image. I put it off and put it off but one day I was feeling brave so I got on. They had a quiz that you take and you answer questions on a scale of 1-5. I took the quiz. As I went through the questions I started noticing how a lot of them sounded like me and some of the thinking patterns I have. When I was done I added up my score. I then sat and stared at the computer screen in shock when I read my results. I had an eating disorder and there was no way I could deny it any longer. Not to myself. Not to my family and not to anyone else. The quiz told me I had a problem but I still didn’t look in the mirror and see it. So, I put it off. Michelle sent me a text saying that the receptionist hadn’t heard from me and she wondered if I needed her to make an appointment for me. I felt so lame that I couldn’t/wouldn’t do it. I told her to have the secretary call me instead. Looking back…who the hell does that? Who has the receptionist call them to make an appointment because they are too scared?? I guess I will own that one…because I did.

The phone rang… I sat and stared at the screen trying to decide if I would pick up. I felt brave in that moment so I picked it up and said….

“Hello?”

Yes, this is Kallie….

and that was the beginning of my long journey to recovery from ED.

to be continued……..

If you want to read the full story here are the links to Parts 1-8: