“What day is it today?” asked my 4-yr-old daughter as soon as she got out of bed. “Is it Sunday? Saturday? Thursday?” She found out it was Friday and leaped for joy as she ran down the stairs to excitedly tell her daddy that it was Friday, the day they were going to do “THE SECRET.”
Earlier in the week during our nightly family prayer, this little girl had excitedly told me that she and Daddy had a secret. And she told me that she couldn’t say what it was and then proceeded to say thank you in her prayer for “THE SECRET.” I cannot express how impressed I was with her for keeping it, too. Even “I” had NO IDEA what “THE SECRET” was – and come Friday and this morning conversation with my little girl, I quite honestly didn’t even remember that “THE SECRET” existed!
So when she woke up ecstatic this morning, I was very curious. I didn’t have to wait long to be told by my excited little girl that she and Daddy were going to make VERY SPECIAL NECKLACES with VERY SPECIAL BEADS today. But I still did not connect this activity with “THE SECRET” from earlier in the week.
Now in all fairness, I woke up this particular morning with some excitement as well! All I wanted to do was drive around and look at my list of potential houses to buy in the area. I had researched them, plotted them out, narrowed them down, etc. So when I woke up, I also ran downstairs excitedly to tell Daddy about MY PLAN for the day!
My daughter, usually my sidekick in looking at and dreaming about houses, told me she didn’t want to go and look at houses with me today – that we could do it tomorrow – because today was the day for putting together VERY SPECIAL NECKLACES with Daddy. Wouldn’t you know that I COMPLETELY brushed her off? I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I did!
Guess what? Changing the oil in the car, an unplanned business call, an extra hungry newborn with a few unplanned blowouts and baths, some turkey soup to take to a friend who had a baby, grocery shopping for the week, a wrong turn detour, and a few work e-mails later . . . it was dark. And we couldn’t see the houses I wanted to see.
I. Was. Upset. Annoyed, frustrated, a little angry, and ultimately heartbroken. I had waited all week to have the time with my husband to go out together and look at the houses I’d been dreaming about online.
But that was NOTHING compared to a little girl who realized as the sun went down that the day. was. over . . . and she had NOT gotten to have a special day or make her special necklace with Daddy and his special beads.
As she sobbed in the back seat, my first inclination was to be stern and get her to stop crying. I mean, I was agitated about my plans that had fallen through that day; I was in NO MOOD for a sobbing child in the closed confines of our car.
But as I listened to what she was “saying” through her sobs, I remembered her excitement and plans from that morning, and it suddenly occurred to me that SHE was more upset by her plans falling through than I was that mine had. She was literally heart.broken. To her credit, she obediently took a deep breath and controlled her sobs. But she could not stop the tears that continued to trickle down her face and wet her rosy little cheeks.
Once home, she broke down again – sobbing uncontrollably. At this point, I was at a loss. I sent her to her room to get ready for bed.
It was then that Daddy told me he had told her earlier in the week that on FRIDAY they were going to make special necklaces with special beads. Her little heart had committed it to memory and patiently awaited FRIDAY for the entire week. The dots connected; the light of understanding turned on. And I felt HORRIBLE!
As I headed upstairs to change a diaper, I heard her still sobbing quietly in her room and mumbling under her breath about not getting to do her special project with Daddy.
It was at that moment that I realized that she needed to be understood. She needed a hug. She needed to feel validated in her feelings. She needed to know it was okay to be heartbroken and cry. She needed to know I understood the value of very special things and time with Daddy. And she needed to understood that I “got” her – that I knew she was a PERSON and not just a child! And that she was just as allowed to plan for and look forward to and EXPECT something from her day as I was.
I called her into my room, gave her a HUGE hug and said, “I am so sorry that you didn’t get to do your necklaces today with Daddy. I didn’t know you had planned on it all week. I am truly, truly sorry we didn’t plan ahead enough to make it happen today! And I am sorry I yelled at you in the car when you started crying. Will you please forgive me?”
She stopped crying, hugged me back, and said, “Thank you, Mommy! I really wanted to do that ALL DAY. Do you think we can do them tomorrow? Can we make tomorrow a day full of ALL the special things?” Of course my answer was yes – and I may or may not have been near tears myself as her excited face and shining eyes and forgiving heart shone up at me.
I think sometimes we get lost in “parenting” our children. We are teaching them, making them food, disciplining them (sometimes too much of that, huh?), correcting them, cleaning up after them, trying to get them to clean up after themselves, running here and there, telling them to be patient as we try to keep up with the constant demands, trying our hardest to BE A GOOD MOM, etc. Sometimes in the midst of all of that, we forget that WE are just people. That’s all. Just plain, ordinary, imperfect people. Perhaps even more important than that, we forget that THEY are also people – intelligent, forgiving, adapting, anticipating people. They understand a lot more than we give them credit for. They may be little, but that shouldn’t give them a lesser place of importance, a smaller voice in our home. And if you are anything like me, this lesser place may be happening in your home without you even recognizing it! I mean, you’re just trying to survive, to practice all the good advice you receive, to give them everything they need-want-deserve, to keep up with all the demands on your time, to be a good mom — THE BEST MOM — to do it ALL “right” every day. And you know why you forget in the midst of all of this that they are people and not just children? Well, if you’re anything like me it’s because, at the end of the day, YOU ARE JUST A PERSON, TOO!
As I internalize this one step further and think about my children as PEOPLE, as fully-present contributors to our family and to our daily as well as lifelong lives, I find myself thinking, “If we will just love them, respect them, understand them, validate them, include them, give them a role, and listen to them, we’ll find that more frequently than we realized, they are the teachers. We are the students. But mostly, we’ll realize and ACCEPT that we really aren’t that different. And we’ll give them permission to be a PART of our family! As co-creators with them, we’ll listen more, they’ll listen more, we’ll communicate better, they’ll obey better, we’ll be less frustrated, they’ll be less frustrated. Wow! This is bigger than I thought!”
On my Facebook page, and on my blog, I focus on inviting others to deliberately create their lives by inviting them to come along with me in my daily and weekly “A-HA” moments that inspire me to fall forward, to deliberately create MY life in a different direction than I have done up to that point. And at the end of this weekend, my deliberate mothering goal is to give my children more of a voice in planning our days, in making decisions and setting goals, in choosing consequences for decisions, in creating a healthy menu that they will enjoy, etc. My hope is that doing so will create more PEACE and UNITY in our home and relationships.
I invite you to accept the challenge as well! And, with that acceptance, to give YOURSELF permission to be a person WITH your children! I hope you will come back and tell us how it went for you when you do.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing me a moment to let you “in” on our little SECRET!
Don’t Wait; Deliberately Create!
Melinda Chaffee
I am a mother of “four”: ages 4, 4, 2, and a bun in the oven. I love to laugh, learn, sing, write, dance in the kitchen with my kids, stargaze on the trampoline, go camping and backpacking, and spend time with my best friend and husband of almost 5 years, even when he gangs up on me in Settlers of Catan.
I used to be a runner and am anxious to get back to it after Baby #4 and FINALLY complete my first Marathon!!! I am passionate about understanding and empowering our bodies, about engaging and inspiring women to tap into their potential, and about creating instead of waiting for my Happily Ever After.
In my pre-”Mommy” years, I earned my M.A. in Rhetoric and Composition, taught College Composition, and ran my own editing business for a time. But my favorite “jobs” hands-down were working as a Volunteer Coordinator and Service-Learning Educator at two universities and volunteering as an event coordinator, trainer, and motivational speaker. Though someday I absolutely plan on getting at LEAST two more degrees (did I mention I love learning?), I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to stay at home now and raise my children.
For the last year I have also been blessed to work my own hours from home, working as a designer, copywriter, editor, and weight loss coach for JillBirth.com. I am also passionate about helping families find physical and financial freedom as a Health and Business Coach for Isagenix International.
You find Melinda at:
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