“Mawiage. Mawiage is what bwings us togedder today.”
I realize my audience consists of people who have been married, are married, want to be married, and don’t know if they want to be married. Though those who don’t probably tuned these blog posts out a long time ago. But let me just say, in case you are still around, that marriage is NOTHING you think, and it can be EVERYTHING you have ever dreamed of.
Before I got married, I knew EVERYTHING there was to know about it. I mean E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. Can you relate? I had been single longer than almost all of my friends. I had watched and listened and taken notes on and analyzed and reanalyzed and over-analyzed every marriage I had come into contact with, and even some I hadn’t. I had chosen the ones I wanted to mirror and avoided the ones I wanted – well, to avoid! LOL! And though I must have had SOME idea of what I was talking about (because I married a STELLAR man who I wouldn’t trade for anyone else), there are a few things that have stood out to me recently.
Lesson #1: Marriage is all about the other person. Let me explain. Before you get married, you have a special gift of time to be selfish in the most BEAUTIFUL way! If you’re still there, I hope you will take that and run like the wind with it! Be selfish! Do what you want! Take care of you! Live your dreams. Visit the places you want to visit. Cross off as much of that bucket list as you can. Just. Do. It. In wisdom and order (no regrets). It’s a time and season you will never get back in the same way.
However, once you decide that you have found “Mr./Mrs. Right for YOU” – don’t look back. From the moment you put that ring on her/his finger, they are your EVERYHING! They are the most adventurous, the smartest, the funniest, the sexiest, the kindest, the best in every possible way woman/man you have EVER met. Because if you go looking for something better, you will find it! And marriage is about loving what you have found, not looking for what you think is missing. Marriage is about seeing all the beauty and love and charisma and devotion and potential in the other person and helping them become all the BEST that they can and want to be. If you think there’s something wanting, find/create it together! Though you shouldn’t go into marriage expecting to change someone, you should be willing to change (in positive and unifying ways) for your spouse once you are in marriage; and he/she should be willing to change for you. Don’t look to someone else. Your marriage is simply about you . . . and him/her. No one else creates your marriage. No one else defines it. No one else can make it what you want. No one else can improve it. It’s all about the other person. It’s about making sacrifices to create happiness. And the ironic thing is, when you put each other first, you put yourself first. Think about it. I know I have been.
Lesson #2: Being a spouse and being a parent are blessings for both of you. Children do not come without the two of you bringing them together. They are not her responsibility or his responsibility. They are YOUR (collectively) gift from God, YOUR blessing, the result of the culmination of all things LOVE between you. But you have to give each other opportunities to receive those blessings.
What do I mean? I have seen men who are not very close to their children because their wives are so controlling in how those kids have to be raised that they don’t allow the husbands to be . . . fathers . . . in their own way. Instead of criticizing what he does or doesn’t do – let him OWN it! Let him OWN his fatherhood . . . his stewardship . . . his mistakes . . . his part in bringing those children into the world. On the flip side, I have seen men who think that their day jobs are their ultimate jobs, their role is to bring home the bacon and the clothes and the shelter. To that I would just say to fastforward just a bit . . . realize that if THAT is what your role is and THAT is all you do, THAT is all your wife and children will think of you, THAT is all they will expect from you, and THAT is all they will remember. And I don’t know many men who are happy simply providing financially for their families. I know we haven’t been happy when our lives have become that. And we haven’t been happy when I’ve tried to control him too much.
Lesson #3: Have a vision of what you want your marriage and family to be, what your roles and responsibilities are in making that happen, how you are going to teach and prepare your children to make it happen, and NEVER forget it. You are each eternal beings, ever changing and evolving and becoming. You make mistakes and (hopefully) learn from them. You do amazing things and then turn around and forget to do them. You get boggled down by and caught up in life. Your eyes wander to other places, other times, other jobs, other dreams; and you have to bring it back to what you are in the moment and MAKE THAT your Utopia. Let each other live. Let each other change. Let each other dream. Let each other try new things. Let each other make mistakes without making each other the mistakes. But remember what made you fall in love to begin with, remember the hope and the dreams you had when you decided to walk the road of life together, and constantly bring yourselves back to that vision and help each other get there . . . together! No sacrifice is too great in making that happen — dreams really can become reality! And I know when we work together on things, we are unstoppable! When we work apart, we are immobile.
Marriage is nothing I thought. It is harder in ways I couldn’t have prepared for in a million years. It is more wonderful in ways I never dreamed of in a million dreams. The hardest parts don’t have anything to do with us – with difficulties or choices or arrogance or pride. They just have to do with life. Life is hard sometimes. But it is a lot easier together, especially when you can pull together and make hard into a beautiful dream, make reality an incredible gift!
MELINDA CHAFFEE
I am a mother of “four”: ages 4, 4, 2, and a bun in the oven. I love to laugh, learn, sing, write, dance in the kitchen with my kids, stargaze on the trampoline, go camping and backpacking, and spend time with my best friend and husband of almost 5 years, even when he gangs up on me in Settlers of Catan.
I used to be a runner and am anxious to get back to it after Baby #4 and FINALLY complete my first Marathon!!! I am passionate about understanding and empowering our bodies, about engaging and inspiring women to tap into their potential, and about creating instead of waiting for my Happily Ever After.
In my pre-”Mommy” years, I earned my M.A. in Rhetoric and Composition, taught College Composition, and ran my own editing business for a time. But my favorite “jobs” hands-down were working as a Volunteer Coordinator and Service-Learning Educator at two universities and volunteering as an event coordinator, trainer, and motivational speaker. Though someday I absolutely plan on getting at LEAST two more degrees (did I mention I love learning?), I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to stay at home now and raise my children.
For the last year I have also been blessed to work my own hours from home, working as a designer, copywriter, editor, and weight loss coach for JillBirth.com. I am also passionate about helping families find physical and financial freedom as a Health and Business Coach for Isagenix International.
You find Melinda at:
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