“Time” is a funny, tricky concept. When I am playing candy crush, a half hour goes by very quickly. (I told my son that I did not want to learn how to play, but at his urging and in an attempt to obtain “mom points,” I let him teach me and I am hooked.) But, when I am on the treadmill, a half hour can seem like an eternity, since I would usually rather be doing something else. If I am on a fabulous vacation, then “time flies.” But, if my business partner is on fabulous vacation and I am left to handle the office while he is away, that very same block of time that he is experiences as “flying by” is merely ticking away in my world. It is really all just perception and the context in which we are viewing our experiences. If you are a teenager, “old” has a different definition than if you are in your sixties. Recently my thirteen year old son said something about being “old” and picked an age (that starts with a 7) as his idea of “old.” Another friend in her mid-fifties told me that she must have altogether skipped being “middle aged” since that would mean she would have to live to be 110. She simply never went through a time that she acknowledged as “middle aged.” Really, when IS “middle aged”? No one knows when they are going to leave this earth.
Do we have the Goldilocks syndrome? When is it “too old” to have another baby? When are you “too young” to get married? Is life “too hard?” Is your buttocks “too soft?” Or better yet, “When is it JUST RIGHT for you to do any of your dreams?”
Here are some of my thoughts on how to change your perspective and think your life as it is today, is “just right”:
1. Live in the now. Right now I feel too old to have another baby, but if the right man came into my life and I felt like he was my “density, I mean… destiny” (80’s movie reference for we “nearly-middle-aged-but-in-denial” people,) I may talk myself out of being too old! Would changing my mind make my prior feelings about feeling too old as of today any “less valid”? Does that make me fickle? Or, am I simply giving myself permission to always live in my “now” as the circumstances change? I think that it is critical to live by your moral compass and spiritual standards, and those shouldn’t change. But, other circumstances in our life change all of the time.
2. Be happy with where your children are in their life. My friend’s mother gave some wonderful mothering advice. She said that my friend would naturally find that her child’s current stage of life would always be her favorite. (Notice I said child and not teenager. Just kidding!) I have found this pearl of wisdom to be so true. Wouldn’t it be sad to always tell your teenage child, “I really liked you better as a baby. That’s when you were my favorite”?
3. Let people change. Family members as individuals, and secondarily in relationship to you when you were a child, are not likely who they are now. People change. They still hold the title of brother, sister, mother, father, etc., but I believe that families as a unit change and transition into an adult family with a different dynamic than that of our youth. I have found that this concept can be tricky when trust has been historically broken, but generally it is worthwhile to believe that everyone is doing their very best given the burdens they are carrying. If we let people evolve and change into who they are becoming and refuse to label them by their past, people have the room they need to grow and mature. I once heard a beautiful quote that fits perfectly, “Don’t look so hard at my past, I don’t live there anymore.” People are always evolving.
4. Remember the good (and bad) decisions in your history are a part of what made you the wonderful person you are today. And, what matters is who you are today. Another little nugget of wisdom I remember often: “When looking at a beautiful butterfly, we don’t say, ‘See! Look at this beautiful, converted worm!’” I love the idea that when I am an old woman (in the decade that starts with a 7, apparently) I will be able to re-live my many wonderful memories as I watch the world tick by. And, I have come to believe that occasionally remembering our past mistakes in our heart as we grow helps us to avoid repeating history.
5. Sometimes dieting isn’t the answer, acceptance (and one healthy change at a time) is right. Enough said.
6. Be your own cheerleader. Many years ago I would go to the golf driving range with a bit of a sourpuss. My teacher knew the answers that would help me to hit the ball long and straight, and I would get a laundry list of corrections and criticism. This laundry list and their watchful eyes made me nervous, and I was unable to perform as I had hoped. As soon as they would turn their back to hit one of their own balls, I would hit a great drive and say out loud for both of us to hear, “Way to go, Brook! Did you see that one? Whoo hoo!” I was accused of just wanting a cheerleader instead of a golf coach. I think it is ironic, because don’t we all want cheerleaders in our life? I am guilty! I would rather have a cheerleader. I have found that being your own cheerleader is the best way to go. You will face enough negativity in this world without it coming from within.
PS: I am going to be middle aged in just a few years, I fear….Wait!?! No, I have changed my mind. That was sooooo two seconds ago and not in my “now.” I think that I will skip “middle aged” like my friend. Yes, that seems JUST RIGHT.
BROOK HAMMOND- ATTORNEY
AND
MOTIVATIONAL AUTHOR & SPEAKER
Question: “Why do you want to listen to anything I have to say?” Answer: “I haven’t a clue.” But, I think we likely have something fundamental in common, which is that our lives don’t look and/or feel like we expected them to. Each day I am learning to find joy in the unexpected.
Professionally, I have earned the right to belong to an exclusive attorney group called the “Million Dollar Advocate Forum.” I am a trial attorney and have been practicing personal injury law for ten years (licensed in both Nevada and Utah.) A fun tidbit about me is that I am a part of Nevada’s history as Miss Nevada USA 1995, and a motivational youth speaker since 1991. I am a monthly contributor to PRISTeen Magazine, a teen fashion magazine that focuses on girls’ inner beauty.
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