A call for applicants…
I read the words and feel excited.
I’m qualified for this position.
The longing surfaces.
That is a really nice salary. We could put the kids through college on that.
Submit resumes to:
I could wear nice clothes everyday.
We look forward to hearing from you.
But… you won’t. Not yet. I know this is not the choice for me right now.
Another letter in the trash. They come from time to time, notices of job openings, a call for resumes, opportunities in my field of work that sound so good.
But I know better. I know what is so good for me by now (yay 40′s!), and I know full-time work isn’t it, not right now. I also know I’m not alone. I have conversations with friends about how it feels when one of your former colleagues lands your “dream job” while you drive carpool, change diapers, and make meals in the Crock Pot. I know that feeling. I know how it feels to have your boss look at you and say, “Why would you EVER want to quit to stay home with your kids? That is what daycare is for. You could really make something of yourself here.” Even when you are choosing what your heart wants, it can be a little painful.
I also know what it feels like to drop your babies off at daycare when it is barely light, head to work, pick them up, spend every minute you can with them until bedtime, and wish it could be more. I know the guilt that rears its ugly head when your child is sick and you can’t be with them because you have commitments at work, or when you leave them at daycare screaming for you. I have cried all the way to work many times. I have conversations with my working friends about these things too.
Here’s the truth:
I CAN’T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS.
I can’t have it all right now. I’ve tried. You will NEVER convince me otherwise.
I’ve worked full-time out of the home, full-time in the home, and part-time in both. I still haven’t found the perfect combination, because I don’t believe it exists. What I do believe, however, is that I need to make choices based on what I think is best for my whole right now. Sometimes best isn’t easiest. No matter what work situation I am in, I always feel like someone is missing out, getting less of what they deserve, and sometimes, that person is ME.
I know some of you are screaming (literally and figuratively) at the screen right now: “BUT I DON’T HAVE A CHOICE!”
I get that. I really, really do. But here’s another truth I’ve learned:
I CAN CHOOSE MY ATTITUDE WHEN I CAN’T CHOOSE MY CIRCUMSTANCES
I’m beginning to understand the fluidity of life a bit. When you struggle financially and need to bring in income, it feels like you will have to do that forever. When you’ve changed six diarrhea diapers before noon and haven’t even brushed your teeth yet, it feels like the world is revolving somewhere else in nice, clean business clothes, leaving you endlessly behind. The fact is, we are rarely locked into any given situation forever. Sometimes the only thing we are locked into is our negative thinking about our situation.
Here are five suggestions to help with this:
1. Make your choice and own it.
If you choose to work full-time for whatever reason, (I like it, it makes us happier, we need the money, I don’t want my family to suffer financially, etc.) recognize that you are making a choice, and acknowledge the reason for the choice. Don’t make excuses. My reasons for working have been different as our circumstances have changed, as have my reasons for staying at home with the kids. Regardless of the reasons, they were MY reasons, and I really can’t blame anyone else. I also don’t owe anyone else an explanation.
2. Don’t allow what you wish for to rob you of what you have.
When I worked full-time, I wished I had more time with my kids. Some days it literally consumed me. I realized that on those days, I actually enjoyed my time with my kids LESS because I was focusing on not having more of it. When I stay home full-time, sometimes it seems like caring for my family is a chore that never ends, and I just want to get through the day. I forget to notice the funny things they say and do, watch when they figure something out for the first time, or just enjoy being around the chaos activity of the house. On these days, I’m absolutely certain that my working neighbor with a nanny and a maid is having more fun than I am! In any circumstance, it is easy to focus on what you think you are missing and actually miss things! Practice gratitude for the joyful parts of your circumstances, even if you think they are small.
3. Realize that life is a long time, and that things change.
Circumstances change. Children grow up. Some goals and dreams become more important, and others less. Life evolves, and so should we. Don’t stop making plans for the future. What do you want to do when they kids are all in school? What about when they are out of the house? When you retire? Do you want to make a career change or switch companies or explore another aspect of your career? You get to decide! I know I’ve mentioned my mother before, but I’m going to again because she is a fantastic example of fluidity. She has been: a bank teller, a full-time mother, a day-care provider, a professional cake decorator, a medical office manager, a missionary, a volunteer firefighter, and an EMT. Her longest career was full-time mother. I’m sure that some of those days seemed LONG (she raised 10 of us). She has told me many times, “life is a long time, and you can do many things.” Three of those things came after the age of 60.
4. Remember “you CAN have it all, just not all at once.”
I’m not sure if that is me quoting Oprah Winfrey, or Oprah quoting me, but either way it is truth. Before I throw those job offers away, I say to myself, “maybe later.” I don’t tell myself it will never happen, or that I can’t, I just remind myself that I can’t right now. That means I have options, doesn’t it? I have choices, and I am making one each time I throw away or accept one of those offers. I had to decline a teaching position I have wanted for YEARS just recently. I went through a nine-month hiring process, and was hired. Right before I was to start, my circumstances changed and I knew the timing wasn’t right and I needed to resign. I’m not going to lie…it HURT. Bad. But I feel peace about my decision, and I know at any point I can pursue that option again. Keep your options in your heart and in your head! Someday the time will be right and you can have them.
5. Respect and even support (gasp!) the choices of others.
Remember that we need support to fulfill our roles as women, however we define them. It stinks and feels really crappy when someone makes rude, snarky, or judgmental comments about our choice to stay home/work outside the home. We never really know the why of someone else’s choice unless they choose to tell us. And they shouldn’t have to, really! Diminishing the value of someone else’s choice doesn’t give any more value to your own. We women are rude enough to ourselves about this, and the first step to fixing that is to be kind to one another, making room to be kinder to ourselves.
I have LOTS of plans for my future. I also still have a four-year-old! I’m not sure how it is all going to work out, but I think I am learning that it all eventually will. Thank goodness, because that negative thinking crap habit is exhausting!
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