1. Tell people the good thoughts you have about them without reservation and in the moment.
When I was in college, I went on a few dates with a boy named Jim. I don’t remember much about him other than the color of his hair, the type of car he drove, and the apartment complex he lived in. But he taught me a great lesson that I have carried on throughout the rest of my life. He said that he was taught that you never kept a nice thought to yourself. Viola! If you implemented this you could probably stop reading right now and find an improvement in any of your relationships. I have made a point of practicing this in my life with strangers and best friends. In fact, I have made a few strangers really good friends by walking up to them in the grocery store and telling them how beautiful they were (it was a mother and teenage daughter.) We started talking and realized we went to the same church and had mutual friends in common. I am not kidding when I tell you that the mother is now a beloved friend of mine.
People love to hear genuine, positive things. Vow never to keep a positive thought about someone in your head all to yourself, and you will spread sunshine which can’t help but lighten your way, too.
2. Find the characteristics that make someone special to you.
Everyone has something that makes them uniquely them. I love people that are themselves without apology. This should not be misconstrued into “mean or grouchy people that use this as a license to be mean.” No. Kindness is a fundamental requirement. Rather, I like people that are free about their like and dislikes and passions and dreams without regard for the need of approval from their audience. It is a type of personal anchor that tells me that they know who they are, and they are okay with it. People like this give others the freedom to be themselves. When you give a relationship the room it needs to breathe (which requires a judgment-free zone,) you can celebrate your differences and it makes for a stronger friendship.
3. Be the first to speak.
What if everyone in the room waited for someone else to make the first move and start a conversation with them? NO ONE WOULD BE TALKING TO EACH OTHER. There are many people that I find are guilty of this and take offense when they then don’t feel included in the group. Why is it someone else’s responsibility to initiate a conversation? If you don’t want to communicate with anyone else, then go hide under your covers and hope to wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow. But, short of that, speak up and speak first. You need to be willing and prepared mentally to say hello and ask how they are doing. When you are worried about not having anything to say, ask questions. You can have three questions in your arsenal that will start up any conversation: 1) Hi, how are things today in your world? 2) Did you do anything fun this weekend? 3) Ask about their kids, a significant other, grandchildren, or any mutual friends you have in common. The follow up questions will come from listening to their answers. I function under the assumption that everyone wants to feel special, and a quick and easy way to make someone feel special is to notice them and talk to them.
4. Try to always give the benefit of the doubt.
If you find yourself suddenly feeling defensive, give them the benefit of the doubt that they did not mean to hurt your feelings.
5. Ask questions.
Sometimes I find that I have a difficult time giving someone the benefit of the doubt for a variety of reasons. Maybe they have hit upon a trigger of mine. Maybe they have hurt someone I love. Maybe I just have a little bit of a natural distrust of them. But, I have found that asking questions can help to restore the balance in a conversation.
If you are suddenly upset, gently ask them what they meant by the remark. It can be a direct question such as, “I don’t think you meant to hurt my feelings, and I’m feeling hurt. So rather than get upset, can you tell me what you meant when you said that? I must be taking it wrong.” I have had this very dialogue with someone before and found that I was taking something wrong and that they had not communicated their actual meaning or intent correctly. Ever heard of the idea that “communication hasn’t occurred until the receiver understood the communicator’s real and intended message”? So often we say, “Yes, but that’s not what you SAID.” That assumes that everyone is a master communicator and who can detail exactly what they intended to with precise words that conveyed not only their meaning but their emotional tone as well. That’s a pretty big expectation in communication. So, ask questions to make sure you are really understanding what they intended to communicate before you lock in your hurt feelings.
6. QUEENS NEVER MAKE BARGAINS. If you keep score no one wins.
I have been in a relationship where the other person was absolutely bent on keeping score and everything was “bargained for.” The foundation of their apparently desired relationship was, “If I do this for you, then you do that for me.” After that relationship ended (which is a natural conclusion to this horrible type of relationship, in my opinion,) I noticed a phrase in Alice in Wonderland where the Queen says, “Queens never make bargains.” I have carried this into all of my relationships ever since, and I refuse to make bargains. I believe that the basis of a good relationship is “I will do this nice thing for you because I love you and want to take care of you, but I will not make a bargain out of it.” A bargain is essentially a contract out of reciprocal acts and is conditioned upon something or someone else. Where is the kindness and love in that? A good friend or significant other will naturally want to similarly take care of the relationship so that it is successful and happy.
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