Why are people so mean???
I have been asking myself this same question for awhile now, and I have seen many of you asking the same question the last few days. What causes people to forget their humanity and go hog wild with judgment and hate? Are they just hateful people? Do they believe their crap doesn’t stink? Or maybe they were born HEARTLESS like the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz? If only, the Emerald City, with it’s cure all Wizard really existed for these mean people because that would explain everything. Instead we are left to wonder what causes people to say the things they say and behave the way they do. And…I’ve been wondering and pondering and I have had a few thoughts swirling around my head I thought were worth sharing.
The first thing I came up with is EXPERIENCES.
Most often our compassion lies in what we have experienced in our own lives. Let me explain that a little better. When someone shares something with you and you have had a similar experience you fully understand the feelings and emotions that come from that experience- because you have felt them. As they share their story, your own feelings of that experience bubble up- you’ve walked in their shoes so to speak. You relate and that drives your connection, which make it easy for you to show up with empathy in tow.
Now the flip side of that is when someone shares an experience with you and you cannot relate in anyway to the scenario. You’ve never experienced it so your own feelings aren’t bubbling up, and it’s hard to understand what they are feeling or how they could feel that way. Your brain don’t instantly wrap around it, because nothing is connecting for you, even though your brain is working hard to find one. When we come across a situation like this it tends to go a little something like this….
You hear their story, nothing’s making you feel-y and then you think to yourself…
It can’t be that bad.
They need to stop complaining.
If they hadn’t made such a stupid choice this NEVER would have happened in the first place.
Well if they just did this or looked at this way they wouldn’t feel so terrible.
When we can’t connect on some level it’s a little easier to be judge’y and fix-y. You can’t relate to their perspective and therefore it must not be the truth, but you feel obligated to respond in some way because they must want a response- Isn’t that why they are telling you all this? They want you to help them find the silver lining, the sun through the clouds, the bright side of things. So you respond with things like :
Well this happened- but atleast…. (fill in the blank)
Maybe you are focusing on all the negative. Try focusing on the positive- it’s all around you if you just look.
Your being dramatic- it is not THAT bad.
Your attitude seems like it needs a slight adjustment.
Does any of this sound like a conversation you’ve had? Did you walk away feeling connected or stupid that you shared something so personal and got shut down? I am almost betting if you were the one sharing and this was the response you received, you left feeling disconnected and unheard. Wishing you had never put yourself out there. Am I right?
So many times we share something with someone, not for a response, a judgement or a fix, but with the hope to connect with someone who understands. To have someone say “I have felt those feelings and you are not alone. I’m here and I SEE you and recognize your hard.”
Empathy comes easy to some and not at all for others. The powerful thing about empathy is it can be learned. You can learn to feel with others when you tap into your own vulnerability. Yes, I used the vulnerable word that people love so much, but being vulnerable isn’t something you should fear- it is something that fuels connection to others. It is a super power.
My first conclusion is that people are mean when they don’t recognize your hard.
The second thing I thought of is- Do we know the difference between criticism and cruelty?
Honest question here…Do we? I think sometimes what we think is criticism is unfortunately cruelty. I think people hear something that they think is wrong and they believe it is their duty or obligation to set the world straight regardless of other people’s feelings. I KNOW people who are like this and they scare the bejeebers out of me. It doesn’t matter how vocal and mean they have to get to share their point of view. It’s like they really believe the louder they yell, and the meaner the names they can call you, the more likely you are to come to their side. I find this way of communicating odd. I don’t really know a person who likes to be screamed at and beheaded with cruel names. I think when we see something that we believe is wrong we should stand up and say “hey..guess what that is not okay but let me tell you why I believe this.” and then we leave the name calling, finger pointing, screaming, yelling, tantrum throwing, it’s my way or the highway, self righteous attitudes OUT OF IT.
I think the only way people hear us and really see us is when LOVE and respect are present. I believe that you can call people out without having to fight to the death. I believe that you can have a civilized conversation with those who believe differently without a name calling screaming match. When we take the time to really listen to others we can learn from each other and the possibilities become endless.
My second conclusion is people are mean when they think they are right.
The last thing I wanted to talk about was circumstances.
I don’t think people are mean people ALL the time. I think there is good in everyone, although sometimes we have to look a little harder to see it under all the crap they built up around it- but it’s still there. I think in the right circumstances we can all be mean. I think sometimes we are mean out of fear. I think sometimes we are mean out of experience. I think sometimes we are mean out of feeling justified. I think sometimes we are mean out of feeling hurt. I don’t think any of us are exempt from being mean at some point, granted there are those who are mean waaay more often than others – in my eyes those who are the meanest are the ones who are crying out for more love. When people are mean I think we need to look below the surface to see what is causing the meanness- what has caused them to feel so passionately about what they are saying? What has their experience been and even do they have any experience in this subject? When we dig a little deeper more times than not we find answers to people’s behaviors- sometimes they are justified and sometimes they are not.
Third conclusion we are all mean in the right circumstance.
I think the most important thing to remember when we are interacting with others is to show kindness. To be gracious and listen, even when our first instinct is to go for the jugular. I also think we need to keep an open mind and understand that some opinions come from someones experience and sometimes their opinion comes from no experience at all. I think we always need to look at people’s intentions and not how they deliver the message. Some people’s intentions are good but their delivery sucks.
I think more than anything we could all be a little more gentle with each other, a little more empathetic and kind. We could all do better at using a voice of love, rather than a voice of judgment. We can all strive to be a little less selfish and a little more selfless.
We can ALL do better.
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