Self Esteem & Marriage!

April 23, 2012 by 7 Comments

I think in general women are just hard on themselves.  I’ve always gone above and beyond when it comes to self criticism.  Not vocally.  Because if you vocalize how you really feel then it could come across as ‘fishing for compliments’.  That’s the last thing that I’ve wanted.  Although I’m the youngest child, attention isn’t what I generally strive for in any given situation.  Growing up, I didn’t feel loved.  I thought of myself on the bottom of anyone’s list.  I didn’t think that anyone really truly loved me.  But I was expected to become somebody who was happy, successful, and really mean something to this the world.  My nicknames were helpless and lazy.  I had suicidal thoughts in Junior High and High School.    I always felt unloved, unworthy, and undeserving of anything.  I had severe body issues.  This turned into numerous self defeating behaviors.   The only thing that assured me that I had hope were my boyfriends, whom I thought if I could get them to love me, then maybe I’d be worth something.  I don’t want my kids to feel the way I felt.  I know that my parents did the best they could.  I don’t think my family growing up was severely unhealthy, but I definitely want to do things totally different.  I want my kids to know without a doubt that we love them.  No matter what or if they go to a certain building on Sundays.  Whether they achieve goals that society thinks are worthy of notice or not.  We are just going to love them.  Their wrongs, their rights, their quirks, and their talents.  I want them to have a choice to choose what makes them happy.  I want them to be free birds with good work ethics… that’s what I consider myself now.
I lucked out.  I met somebody who loved and married me.  I remember he would come home from work and I would start naming everything that I’d accomplished throughout the day.  After a few years of this, he stopped me one time and asked, “Why do you do this… I don’t care or expect anything”.  I replied, “I don’t want you to think I’m lazy”.  I guess I just assumed I was lazy because that is what I was taught to believe about myself.  I was positive he thought the same.  I continued my behavior for years of our marriage.  I always have too much on my plate.  I still have something to prove.  But to who?  We got into a horrible accident recently.  We go to physical therapy 3x’s a week.  I told my Therapists about my struggle with carpel tunnel while they were scraping other parts of my injuries recently.  He started scraping my arm and his jaw dropped and he looked at the (therapist) girl in the room.  He said, “She’s got a high pain tolerance”.  I learned carpel tunnel causes little rice crispies in your forearm and that’s what he was scraping.  He told me I definitely have tendonitis as well (same thing/related)… I asked him what causes this and he said, “OVER-USE”.  But, I’m lazy and helpless… I couldn’t possibly over-use anything.  

Some Men would feed off of my insecurities and childhood issues to build themselves up in some sick way.  Some Men would try and make me feel like I’m lazy and worthless on days that I don’t get a thing done.  But, I married somebody who loves me.  Who is healthy and sound.  My hair is falling out and I don’t know why.  I’m not going bawled, I was blessed with thick hair but it scares me every time I brush my hair and extreme amounts fall out everyday.  I broke down the other night and told Ryan that I think my hair is falling out and that my dear hair dresser friend says that ‘yes, it’s probably because of all the trauma and it will be back to normal in about a year’.  First Ryan says, “you could totally rock a shaved head”…. he’s always been into chicks who bravely shave their heads.  I said I would be a lot braver about it if I were a size 0.  But then he quietly said in a more serious tone, “you know I would still love you right”.  The funny thing is, I didn’t even question his love.  I loved that he said that, but the thought that he would stop loving me didn’t even cross my mind.  After about a year of being married to him, I really started to take notice in what a great choice I made.  I always say that I got so lucky with him because of my childhood.  I sorta deserve it, and I don’t take it for granted.  Not only has my healthy husband cured (or almost cured) me, but he’s helped me realize so much about myself.  

Marriage hasn’t been hard for us, the way it is for some people.  Marriage is it’s own animal. Several factors contribute to keeping that animal alive.  But, if one of you isn’t healthy or has more growing to do than the other… it takes time.  But, the worst thing you could do is knock the other half down.  You need to build each other up, take care of one another.  Be on the same team.  Some days you give more than you receive and somedays it’s the opposite.  Be one another’s rock.  Know how to express your love in different ways.  Take notice in all your spouse does for you and remind yourself daily.  You never know what lies ahead.  If they don’t build you up, let them know.  We as women are too hard on ourselves and we need all the help we can get to better girlfriends, wives, and mothers.

Get to know Kelly better.  She is amazing.

Strong,  Courageous.  More of what we all should be.

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Filed Under: Marriage, Post Topics, Uncategorized

Comments

  1. gina crotts says:
    April 23, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Beautifully said! :)

  2. Michelle A. says:
    April 23, 2012 at 9:33 am

    THAT is an awesome article. Thank you for sharing something so personal.

  3. Lisa says:
    April 23, 2012 at 10:01 am

    Thank you for sharing :)

  4. Aedriel says:
    April 23, 2012 at 10:29 am

    Thank you Kallie! I was just telling a friend the other day about how low self-esteem can be detrimental to a marriage. When we’re confident we’re able to give so much more to our partner. What a blessing you have in your husband and he is a lucky man to have you!

  5. Janneke says:
    April 23, 2012 at 11:56 am

    Wow, thank you for this article. You truly are blessed to have a wonderful man like that. I love the last part of that first paragraph. I’d love to hear more about how you became a “free bird with good work ethics.” I think so many of us try so hard to do things that are worthy of appreciation and approval of society in order to feel worthwhile. How did you change this?

  6. Brook Hammond says:
    April 23, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    Truly an amazing article and I so admire your transparency. You are a solid”rock” / “rock” star!

  7. Lindsay says:
    April 25, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Kelly, thank you for being so raw and real here. That is the goal of Smitten By! We appreciate you so much!

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