One of my acquaintances once said to me, “You’re lucky. You have such easy children. Mine are so much harder to deal with than yours.”
I wanted to leap across the table and deck her one. But I didn’t. I am respectful of the experiences of others. For whatever reason, she believes her experience is much more difficult than mine, and I let her have that one. The truth is, I wanted to shout, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! The little suckers are EXHAUSTING!”
We have six children, two girls and four boys. My husband works long hours, and for a few months out of the year, the kids only see him in a half-awake state on Sundays. Because of how we’ve chosen to do things, the bulk of the child-rearing has fallen to me. I’m ok with that because it has been a conscious choice, but not an easy one. Six children means six different personalities, each with their own complexities, habits, struggles and annoying behaviors. I love them.
One thing my children have in common is DNA from two very independent, stubborn, and strong-willed people. They can’t help it, it’s literally in their genetics. Which leads me to the subject of my post:
I am grateful for strong-willed children.
Our first daughter arrived in a bit of trouble and almost didn’t make it. I was so thrilled to have this little girl. She was going to be a sweet ballerina who loved her parents and was charming and obedient and lovely. Then she refused to sleep, like ever. Then she started refusing to wear certain things at 18 months old. Then she started running away via the doggie door, naked. Then she started to say no…to everything. There would be no ballerina here. She refused to wear anything without pockets and called me by my first name for nearly a year. I could go on and on.
I was complaining to my mother one day, and in true mother fashion, she gave me this excellent advice;
“Don’t try to break the will of that little girl. She’s going to need it. Find a way to make it work.”
Best. Advice. Ever.
It changed the way I viewed her stubbornness, and the way I parented. Nothing I read about strong-willed children told me this, but it was the key to working with her and the rest of my strong-willed children. I started giving her choices, allowing her to feel in charge of herself but still accomplishing the parenting goal. I cared less about what she looked like and more about shaping her strong personality into a confident leader. My little guinea pig was breaking me in as a parent and paving the way for her siblings without even knowing it. Bless her strong little stubborn self for that.
Mom was right. She has needed that iron will so many times, from the minute she was born. All of my children need it. They will face and have yet to face challenges I can’t even imagine, struggles that will shake them to the core and threaten their faith. They will need to stand up to bullies and defend their beliefs and rights and make their dreams happen despite circumstances and people who delight in their failure. I’m not trying to be dramatic, I’m just predicting the future based on what I’ve seen them handle already.
Today, and every day, I am grateful for my stubborn, exhausting, difficult, sweet, perfect children’s STRONG wills. As any parent with a strong-willed child knows, you have to be on your A-game all of the time, and it is exhausting! Parenting solutions have to be tricky illusions of independance and don’t always work twice. The alternative is a child who blindly follows, doesn’t think for themselves, never questions, and can be led to do anything by anyone. I’d rather wear myself out parenting my stubborn little energy-suckers any day.
It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. ~Frederick Douglass
Carolyn Mohler- LCSW, Private Practice
I’m a wife, mom of six, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, exercise enthusiast, native Las Vegan (yes, we do exist), lover of food, and admitted chocoholic. I write about life and how I live it, what I think about things, and what makes my days. I’ll honestly expose my plate-spinning, role juggling, three-ring-circus struggles and even some of my failures as I try to raise my amazing soon-to-be amazing adults. I’ll share what I know professionally and personally because we could all use some free therapy once in a while! If anything you read here makes your day, I’ll consider it a mission accomplished!
Carolyn can be found riding the eye of her own tornado at : http://confoundedwoman.com
Comments
comments
Thank you so much for sharing this..it really touched me!! And I needed to hear this today!
Thank you! I too have a very strong willed daughter. She has to do everything herself. She is 13 mo and is climbing on the table, out of her crib, and into everything. I was getting so frustrated. But with your God sent post my eyes are open! Its true. The world is getting rough. Our children need that strong will to stand up for their beliefs. I thought I needed to break her, but I now know differently. Thank you.
Great post! Couldn’t agree with you more!
Im a mom of 6 kids….all one year apart….and during the week I feel like a single mother because of my husbands work. 5 are dyslexic, two of my strongest willed girls are bipolar. Its hard but as I have seen with the strongest willed children I have is that I am in awe of how strong and outgoing they are….which is NOT how I was growing up. I was strong, but not strong willed, but I did grow into that later in life. You kind of have to he to have six kids in six years!
Thank you for your sweet reminder to cultivate that will and not break it down!
LOVED this! Thank you so much! That quote from your Mom “Don’t try to break the will of that little girl. She’s going to need it. Find a way to make it work.” You have NO idea how timely this was. Thank you!
Thank you for this! The parenting has completely fallen to me just recently, as well, and I have since discovered a level of exhaustion that I have never known before. It is down-right HARD. And I cried myself to sleep last night, wondering why we had to go through this at this time in our lives. Your words came at the perfect time for me. A message from God Himself, reminding me that I’m not alone in this journey, and that I can parent these strong-willed children on my own right now. Thank you for the reminder that the fights and the tears and the battles are worth it, that it’s okay for ME to let go sometimes, and to remember that God sent them this way because of the battles they will fight in this life. Thank you for helping me remember and for giving me that boost of confidence again. Truly, your words were a Godsend for me.
I really enjoyed reading this. I have a little girl who, at four years old, begged me for advice on which shirt to wear. After many assurances that both shirts were lovely, I finally just chose one and she immediately put on the other. Parenting her definitely takes a different approach.
Oh my goodness! I needed this today. My love-to-shop-snuggle-with-mama baby isn’t exactly following my orders! She’s very strong willed and also, NEVER sleeps!
The quote from your mother is perfect!
Thank you for the encouragement. My strong-willed 3-year-old is making me want to pull my hair out, and watching her and her 2-year-old brother every day and the 5-month-old twins is exhausting, but totally worth it.
Thank you for the encouragement. My strong-willed 3-year-old is making me want to pull my hair out, and watching her and her 2-year-old brother every day and the 5-month-old twins is exhausting, but totally worth it.