Battle Cry

Today ED (eating disorder) has sounded his Battle Cry. Today ED has declared war on my head, thoughts and voice. Today ED is loud, persistent and incredibly annoying. Today ED might just win this round of the fight. Because today I am tired, oh so tired. Today I don’t want to fight. Today I just want silence..peace from the constant exhaustion that comes with the front lines of battle. I guess revenge is what Ed wants after I sounded my own battle cry yesterday. I am pretty sure ED heard my voice loud and clear yesterday when I told him to shut up. He didn’t like it and today he is letting me know just how much he didn’t appreciate hearing my own resounding, echoing, battle cry.

 

Yesterday I felt brave enough, strong enough to let a little more of my new voice be heard. I would like to believe that it is the start of a journey to facing  the last HUGE scary skeleton I have lurking in my closet. This skeleton has weighed heavy on my heart because of the person/persons the skeleton represents and the relationship/relationships that I have with them. Only a few people have known about this skeleton because of the situation. But last night I started opening the door to face that skeleton. It is only a crack in the process but it was a big enough step that ED is out for blood today. He is is raging in my head like I haven’t heard him rage in a long time and my heart hurts just listening to him. His battle tactics are low blows, attacking the weak spots and going for the kill. I am afraid ED is more aware then anyone what my weaknesses are and it is hard to fight him when I feel like he has the advantage. It is hard to tell him what he is saying is not true, when so much of what he says speaks truth to my head and what I have known for so long.

 

Have I told you that today, I am tired? Tired of ED…Tired of fighting. Tired of trying to sort through all that is being yelled at me. Today I am tired and feel defeated. Today I feel like this is a battle I will never win. Today I feel like waving the white flag of surrender.

 

Today my battle cry is but a whisper, when it should be a roar.

 

 

 

 

 

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