For Christmas last year, I did the majority of my shopping online. I had an infant baby and making it out to brick and mortar stores wasn’t really happening, unless I wanted to be like that lady on the news who made headlines for nursing her baby in the aisles of Target. I only had one hour stretches to get out of the house and I didn’t want all of my gifts for loved ones to come from Walgreens while I was picking up nursing pads and antibiotics, so I needed to utilize online gifting as much as possible.
I was looking for a specific type of shirt for my mom, who I often have trouble buying for. She wanted a nice white dress shirt to wear under sweaters and other tops as a layering piece. No matter how hard I looked, I just couldn’t quite find what I had been looking for so desperately. Finally, I remembered to check an online department store I had never ordered from before (mostly because I don’t have the money to shop there regularly). Anyway, after a few minutes I finally found it; a beautiful, simple, classic button-up shirt. And what do you know, it was priced just right! So quickly I put it in my shopping cart, clicked that submit button and felt a wave of relief rush over me as my quest for the perfect shirt had come to an end.
The happiness I receive when my online purchases arrive in the mail is about as high as this kite gets, and this time was no different. I couldn’t wait to see what this long sought after gift looked like. So I grabbed some scissors, sliced open the box, ripped apart the tissue paper to find…a little rolled up piece of white fabric tied with a scrap piece of fabric. My purchase was not even nicely tied up, but thrown together like they had toddlers and baby apes running their warehouse. I paid 50 dollars for this??? I seriously couldn’t believe it. “They must have sent me the wrong shirt!” I thought. But no, I even checked the brand and it was indeed the shirt I had ordered…only smaller, “wrinklier,” and uglier.
Don’t you feel this way about life sometimes? Like you signed up for the prettiest, shiniest, easiest life a girl could hope for, and instead you got a scratchy, slightly off-smelling, freckly one? I’m not much of a complainer, or at least I try really hard to not be, but the other day I had one of “those days.” I wanted to build a hut around myself with a neon blinking sign that said, “THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR!” For some reason it seemed like the harder I tried that day, the worse things got. I found myself on the couch at 3’oclock in the afternoon just crying for no reason that I could specifically pinpoint, except possibly for the fact I was losing my mind.
Even though I tried mightily, my day didn’t get better. Things kept going downhill, and I just kept telling myself to hold on until bedtime. Then I could try again in the morning.
That evening I was putting my girls to bed alone, as I often do during the week. My oldest daughter loves tickles, but when I have the baby to put down too, I usually don’t have the time or patience to come back in and tickle her to sleep. She is a girl who loves routine, and after potty, teeth brushing, flossing, water drinking, turning on the sound machine, dream lite, light bright and saying prayers, I don’t have much left in me. I tucked her in, kissed her, and told her I would see her in the morning. After I rocked my baby to sleep I went into my room and just laid on the bed in silence. I was so discouraged. It had been a long day and I knew that my attitude had rubbed off on my girls, and I didn’t want my little Monroe to go to bed that way.
So I walked across the hallway and I peeked my head in her door, to which she exclaimed, “Hi Momma! What are you doing?” I went in, laid down next to her in her big girl bed, and gave her a hug and kiss. “I just wanted to hold you,” I said. I held her tight and traced her round little face with my hands. I could tell she needed this time together too, because she hugged my arm close and kissed my hand with her squishy 4-year-old lips. I stayed for a little while, giving her tickles until she quietly drifted off to sleep. “Now THIS is what I signed up for,” I thought to myself as I laid in her bed. “This is as good as it gets.” I was able to go to sleep that night feeling slightly better about myself as a mother, and grateful I was able to spend a little extra precious time with my 4-year-old. It’s amazing how a few sweet moments can make up for a day’s worth of struggles.
Just like that crumpled up white blouse I received in the mail, I think our days as mothers often appear similar. This image we had of our future lives often looks quite different than we ever imagined. Our homes are in disarray more times than not, smelly diapers sit out longer than they should, we are on our phones too much, perhaps we smell like peanut butter or poop, and our patience runs thinner than we would like, resulting in loud voices and hurt little feelings. Some days motherhood may have us hoping there has to be someone we can sue for false advertising, and possibly for the damages we are doing to our children by being such horrible mothers.
I guess what I am learning is that my life may not be what I expected, and sometimes it’s not as pretty as I would like it to be on the outside. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have some moments as a mother that literally take my breath away. And what I have found to be so essential is that it is up to me. I set the tone for my home and for my precious family. My enthusiasm for life each day with them is far more important than outward perfection for others. I would hate for them to ever get the impression that my life as a mother is not what I signed up for. Even though it’s harder, messier and sometimes uglier than I thought it would be, nothing can outshine its uniquely inherent beauty, either.
-Whitney Tibbs-
Motherhood has always been a dream of mine, and now that I have arrived, I endeavor to find a little joy in every day. My 2 year-old daughter, Monroe, is my little gal pal, full of sweetness and spunk. I’m lucky to have a wonderful partner in my husband, Jeff. He helps keep me grounded and happy, while working the crazy schedule of a CPA. I love to learn and am always seeking knowledge. I graduated in Health and Promotion from the University of Utah, and have a great passion for health and wellness. I also am a bit obsessed with home design and decor, which is mostly fueled by blogging and Pinterest. For me happiness is about balance, and I’m always striving to seek just the right formula.
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